That's How We Roll
by 177293
Summary: The silence, heavy with a mixture of disbelief and horror, only lasted for a couple of seconds before the room dissolved into utter chaos. / Or in which Saitama is a Dungeon Master for fun and should probably get paid for all the shit he has to deal with. [AU/Saigenos]


**Note:** D&D AU, everyone is as human as can be and there is no running around in capes and thighs.

* * *

It started like any other game night.

Which is to say, Genos spent all day cleaning the apartment from floor to ceiling as if their place wasn't already spotless, the fading light of the sunset shining through the windows only emphasizing how Saitama could probably see his reflexion on every surface if he wanted to. Weren't it for the fact that he got tired of seeing him run around the place like a busy bee while he was trying to catch up to his latest manga, he was sure the teenager would have forgotten to at least sit down and eat before the day was over. The man could admit he _had_ been a little bit of a slob before Genos decided to all but forcibly become his new roommate, but this was just a whole new level of ridiculous dedication.

Seriously, when the gang came to their place for game night, it always became so much _worst_.

Like right now.

"You know," he said with a strange mix of horrified fascination and boredom, "if you keep sweeping the floor like that, I'm pretty sure you're gonna make a hole right through it."

Genos froze, looking down at the broom in his hands as if seeing it for the first time. "I was only-"

"-obsessively sweeping the same patch you've already cleaned at least five time since this morning?"

"Well, that is-"

"Aw, come on." While there was something almost cute about seeing him play the regular housemaid while sporting one of the most epic resting bitch face he had ever seen, enough was _enough_. "Sit down, will you? You're making me dizzy, man."

"Ah, sorry!" Leaving the broom in a corner, Genos took place next to him, contrite, before perking up slightly after Saitama patted him distractedly on the head, leaving his soft pale hair in disarray as he went back to his manga.

Or at least _tried_ to, only managing to read a couple of pages before the other started fiddling with the different books and miniatures on the table, clearly antsy to start now that the agreed meeting time was almost there.

Not that he had to wait for long; Saitama was just about to tell him to stop fidgeting so much when Mumen rang the door - right on time, as usual -, a smile on his face and a box of store bought cookies in his hands. He probably stopped on the way while riding to their place despite knowing they had more than enough discounted junk food stocked especially for the occasion.

"I know," his friend answered, slightly sheepish, when Saitama lowered his eyes to the proffered box. "But one can never be too prepared!"

Soon after, King was knocking at the door, the older man joining them in the living room with his usual stone faced awkwardness, greeting them with a nod before taking place at the table. His portable console was already out, ready to wait until the last member of their group deigned to grace them with his presence.

Which could take a while, if past experiences where anything to go by.

Turned out, they were.

It took a good fifteen minutes filled with insults badly disguised as complains from Genos before Sonic finally barged in with a "Hey losers!" To be honest, Saitama was sure the other did it just to piss them off. Not that _he_ was bothered by it, but the man had to admit, seeing how his boyfriend was seething not so silently next to him while glaring hotly at the newcomer, it probably worked.

One day, maybe Genos would finally understand part of the reason Sonic kept doing things like this was because the kid kept rising to the bait. If you ignored him long enough... well, Sonic wouldn't exactly get _bored_ of it, but he'd at least try to bother someone _else_.

Oh, well. In the end, as long as the other wasn't trying to be a pain in _his_ ass, he didn't particularly care.

They had a game to start anyway.

* * *

The story in itself was fairly simple, as far as campaigns went. Not that Saitama was too lazy to come up with a good and fulfilling plot, three dimensional NPCs and compelling quests, but after all these months playing with what had now become his usual group, he'd quickly come to realize one thing: even with all his careful planing and best intentions, they always somehow managed to _screw things up_.

Every. Single. Time.

Which was why, an hour in the game, the man should have thought a bit more before setting a small group of slightly hostile mercenaries on their path to spice things up. Honestly, they all needed it after Genos and Sonic spent what was admittedly _way_ too much time arguing over who's character was going to sleep on which side of the room of the next inn they were going to encounter.

Sometimes, he couldn't believe he was dating one of those children. Cute or not, he was _this close_ to throwing his pen right in the middle of that pretty face.

"Master!"

Sighing, Saitama gave the teenager the stink eye. "Dammit, Genos, I've told you a thousand time to _stop calling me that!_ " Was it really so hard? People were going to start asking weird questions if he kept that up. Only that kid could go around calling his boyfriend _master_ with such a straight face and not care about being heard by someone else.

"But Saitama-san! You're our Dungeon Master! It is only proper to refer to you by your title!"

Sonic snickered, smirking. "Is that the excuse you use in bed, too? Kinky."

" _You_ -"

"Alright!" Mumen cut in brightly, lifting a finger to adjust his glasses. "I say we try talking to them. Who knows, this might be a big misunderstanding and if we make them see reason, we wont even need to fight!"

Going by Genos' put out expression, the plan wasn't to his liking. _No surprise there,_ he thought. _Kid seems to think heading straight in the middle of the fray is an acceptable reaction for a wizard._ Which, to be fair, usually worked in the grand scheme of things since it more or less forced everyone else to follow lest they wanted to be short of a mage. It also more often than not ended with Genos' character KO'd on the floor in dire need of King's healing spells. At this point, though, it was kind of a given that Genos couldn't finish a session without at least _one_ near death experience.

Honestly, his weird fondness – read, _obsession –_ of fire spells was _not_ a good reason to choose a class with so little defence, especially considering how boneheaded he was.

Eyes narrowed and arms crossed tightly across his chest, Genos didn't take long before letting know his far from surprising opinion on the matter. "We can take them. There is only seven of them, we don't need to lose any time talking to those low lives."

"What about you guys, then?" Mumen looked at the other two, clearly uncomfortable with making any decision before hearing from everyone. Sometimes, Saitama wished he had twenty of him. "Any thoughts on the subject?"

"I, uh," King started after a short moment of silence before wilting slightly when everyone's eyes turned on him, his voice dying as he caught the full force of Genos' intense stare. "I don't mind either way."

"See? He doesn't care, so we should just-"

"And _now_ ," Sonic cut in loudly, posing dramatically with the plastic katana he always brought for the occasion drawn towards the ceiling, a self-satisfied grin on his face, "comes the time where I, Speed-of-Sound Sonic, double-crosses you."

The silence, heavy with a mixture of disbelief and horror, only lasted for a couple of seconds before the room dissolved into utter chaos.

"What the _fuck_ is that supposed to mean?" Genos said with a growl in his voice that promised mayhem.

"It _means,_ you numbskull, that my ninja-"

"Rogue," Saitama said with the long suffering annoyance of someone who've had the same argument one too many time.

" _Ninja,_ " Sonic continued with a side eyed glare in his direction, "thinks that he'd rather align himself with the winners, and clearly, it's not _you._ "

"Now, everybody, I'm sure we can-" Mumen started, always the voice of reason, before being rudely interrupted by the incensed blonde.

"You perverted asshole, I'm going to fucking incinerate you!"

"I'd like to see you try, you useless piece of trash wizard!"

King wisely kept his mouth shut, his shoulders hunched on themselves as if this could make him a smaller target. An incredible feat, really, for a man of his stature – and not to mention the slightly terrifying and foreboding expression he tended to wear as soon as his nervousness got the better of him. Saitama could all but taste King's anxiety permeating the air.

Not that he could blame him.

"Master!" Genos' voice was full of determination, his pale golden eyes burning with overwhelming furry as if he had forgotten, once again, that this was only a game. "I cast fireball on the stupid thief!"

Because with everyone's characters standing so close to each other, this was _sure_ to end well.

"Not if I cut your throat first, you brat! Even your lame-ass boyfriend won't be able to save your skin, then!"

"How _dare_ you talk about Saitama-san like this!"

Saitama sighed, silently face palming as Genos disrupted the entire table with a scream of outrage as he went over it to try and strangle Sonic, dices rolling under the furniture with a clatter and snacks spilling on King's character sheet. The man barely had time to save the picture of his well endowed cleric maiden before it got ruined forever by a handful of greasy party mix.

Sadly, this was another familiar sight on their game nights. And here he'd thought that this time, maybe, _hopefully_ , things could be different. _Honestly,_ he thought as he watched Mumen try to calm the other two down, voice barely audible over the ruckus, once again glad there were no neighbours close enough to get annoyed by all this noise. _It's like I'm a babysitter or something. And I don't even get pai- oh, no they_ didn't _._

Yes. Yes, they _did_. Alright, that was _it._

"Oi! Watch my floor, you little shits! You're spilling soda everywhere!"

His only answer was the shocked howl bursting out of Sonic's throat as Genos suddenly got a hold of his hair.

Seriously. Every damned _time._

* * *

 **A/N:** English is not my first language, so don't hesitate to point out all my shitty mistakes.

And yes, Mumen is playing a Paladin for Justice.


End file.
